to come undone.

it's been a rush. the unsettled slide of hope from heart to stomach. eating away the fruits flesh, leaving the core. better than leaving an apple with a bite. chomp chomp. or a soul still hungry.

it's been a deflation. a nostalgic nib of cocao. the bitter scents and secret snarls. lessening the lose/win ratios. slip slap. or accidentally pitter patter.

it's been a break. an unwinding only to wind back up. the tightness loosened and the sigh given so much slack. another life perhaps. oooo aaaaa. and the world begins again, with a twist.

the better left unknown.

here we go again.
the faces have been altered but the speech is the same.
he hates prose.

there once was a trust between us.
i opened my eyes and saw it, a moment of my fear being played secretly while i slept.
he never knew. doesn't know. will never.
but it created a surge of shakes within my structure. i quaked the entire night.
i was screaming "infidel" in every silent jerk. while he played on pretending for me.
three days later i was still pent up inside. i wanted to leave him. hurt him.
loose him in his desires. i became.
ill. watched him make promises to others. watched him neglect the promises to me.
he was over consumed and could not hear the words i expressed.
i gave up. i searched for reasons. i invented pain.
i fell lost unto the mass of my delusions.
and wanted him to be the disappointment i had envisioned him.
and wanted him to be worth leaving cruelly.

i cried.
i had deceived myself into believing the lie embellished by desire and a rough design.
i am addressing the pounding headache it serves as stimuli to.
i am apologizing for the agony i had devised.
i am loving him.